shame (2011)

you are my crux
my curse, my cross
the infection that has taken root
and swelled inside my mind's eye

i am plagued
eternally plagued

it is the very most i can do
to treat the symptoms
to dull the pain
to close the wound

it will open again
it will bleed again
and bleed and bleed and bleed
until i can staunch it
stitch it closed
conceal it

i hide from myself
from my memories
until they forget about me
spirits, ever present
roaming amongst the cobwebs
of the most forsaken catacombs
of the brain

i can hide,
but i've nowhere to run.

feckless rhyme (2011)

I love how close I am to you
even when we're apart
The way that I can hold your hand
and also hold your heart

And maybe I don't have the words
to tell you how I feel
But maybe it's the silent things
that tell you that it's real

A touch, a kiss, a fevered blush
the way our lips align
The steady beating of our hearts
and your breath over mine

she is light (2011)

She is light.
She shines without effort, inherently brilliant.
She is a warm glow in a cold world.
She does not go unnoticed.

She is beautiful.
She exudes excellence from every pore -
excellence in design, an innate perfection.
Nothing is accidental,
and yet, her whole being seems that way.

She is lovely.
She smiles and those around her are affected.
She moves with an ease and grace that ripple the surface
just enough to make a difference.
Everything about her is right, and good, and perfect.

She is clothed in magnificence and exudes awe.
She laughs with the sun and walks side-by-side with the moon.
The stars are her friends, the sky her canvas.
And so, she paints.

prayin' knees (2011)

I did something I never do
Three months ago, today
I got down on my battered knees
and bowed my head to pray

God, I said, I know this prayer's
a little overdue
But I'm all out of options
so I've gotta turn to you

I told Him I was struggling
I told Him I had failed
I told Him I was sorry, and
I shakily exhaled

And when my voice abandoned me
and tears began to fall
I knelt there silently, not saying
anything at all

I wasn't sure if He had heard
or if He'd even care
But I thought it was worth a shot,
my quiet little prayer

Now here I am, just look at me
I know my God is great
He gave me what I needed most
and set my pathway straight

It's not too late for anyone,
there's nothing He can't do
After all, I too was lost
until He gave me you

note to self (2011)

Breathe.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
so take it one day at a time.
Nothing is irreparable. Nothing is forever.
Remember that mistakes must be made before progress,
and that failure is nothing but a challenge to succeed.

Never be afraid to feel better.
Remember that sometimes crying is okay,
and that it's good to be alone every once in a while.
Know that there are few problems in life that can't be mitigated with chocolate,
or a hot bath, or a scented candle, or a tight hug.
Don't hesitate to seek those things out.

Trust yourself,
love yourself,
and be at peace.

radium in rain clouds (2011)

I think I'd like to memorize
the paint-by-number of your eyes.
What hexadecimal color codes
comprise their stormy iris skies?

At first I thought to call them blue
but that, I knew, would never do.
For blue is rather commonplace;
no, blue could not describe their hue.

And green, like blue, would not suffice -
it's much too simple, too concise.
The words I know are failing me;
I need a term much more precise.

I very nearly deemed them gray,
for often times they look that way.
But gray is much too dull for you,
and I might even say, cliche.

But, rather, it's occurred to me
these colors that I swear I see
can't be described in just one word
nor two, nor four, nor twenty-three.

They're an aurora, northern lights
they're moonlit snow on winter nights
they're radium in rain clouds, and
they're technicolor bits and bytes.

I wonder what they'd think of me,
those eyes of yours, that pupil'd sea.
I'd lose myself in them, I think,
if in them I should ever be.

to bleed (2011)

Mix your blood into the ink

Stay you ever in the pages

Trapped inside their clever cages

Keep it up until you think

Mix your blood into the paint

Your blank canvas, soon to be

Murder in the first degree

Keep it up until you faint

Mix your blood into the sky

In between the moon and stars

All just burning silver scars

Keep it up until you die

downward spiral (2011)

You're falling.
You can't see the darkness below you,
but you know it's there.
You can feel its shadowy presence -
or lack thereof -
lurking underneath you,
a sea of nothingness.
Black.
Endless.
Consuming.

You shudder.
The gentle caress of the air beneath you,
giving way to your abrupt descent,
is warm and disconcerting.
Like death's cool hand on your shoulder,
inviting you in,
the spider to the fly.
Friendly.
Familiar.
Intimate.

Your eyes close.
The light you've fallen from has become too much.
It's blinding, overpowering,
and you can stand it no longer.
You tell yourself you're better off this way.
Independent.
Autonomous.
Alone.

You freeze.
There's a moment where you think,
"I'm going to die."
Your heart drops,
and you will it to keep beating.
You're not frightened,
only disappointed.
Unfulfilled.
Dissatisfied.
Empty.

You can't remember how you got here,
but it's a long way down.
You've got time.
Think.

a note (2011)

It has come to my attention

and I think I ought to mention

that your lips

and my lips

come together oh-so nicely

fit together quite precisely

in a beautiful eclipse

of mutual pretension.

And, well, it’s my understanding

though at times it seems demanding

that your heart

and my heart

beat together unimpeded

hold together, now completed

never all the way apart,

my beautiful extension.

 

trench warfare (2011)

i find myself utterly incapable of
following through on anything,
accomplishing anything,
doing anything right.
most excellent at
letting others down,
not meeting expectations,
not rising to the occasion.
unreliable.
forgetful.
lazy.

never good enough, or smart enough,
pretty enough, or skinny enough,
driven enough, or talented enough.
useless and more useless.
worthless and aware of it.
a burden -
unwanted, unnecessary.
insufficient.

self-deprecating.
self-defeating.
constantly at war
and everyone's feeding the fire,
aiding the enemy,
dragging me backwards.

these trenches are deep,
and i know them well.

seasonal affective (2011)

and if i sleep for forty days
it's not lethargy, it's a curse

the dreams just reassure me that
it's only getting worse

black and white and red all over (2011)

words words words
just words
that's all i've got to offer
i can't give you any more than that
than words
than soul
than self

i'll bleed for you
slice the skin with a silver scalpel
cut clean through to the carbon core of me
sit down with my pencil and just bleed
pour the contents of my very self out on a page
just words
words words words

songwriter (2011)

I've tried to put this into words;
it's harder than it seems.
These feelings are the kind
I've only ever felt in dreams.

I tried to make it rhyme -
my little love letter to you,
I tried to make it sound the way
these things are supposed to.

But every time I tried, I found
the words would pass me by.
It took me quite a while, but
I think I now know why.

All this time I've wasted, for
I couldn't do a thing.
These words I'm writing silently,
my heart would have me sing.

connoisseur (2011)

shh -
try not to breathe
each fibrous thought
could spark a revolution

let your lungs
fill with sand
time, captured
in molded glass

carpe diem, carpe noctem
hold tightly, don't let go
hold the words in your mouth
a metallic flavor, unfamiliar yet
savory -
intricate -

try not to breathe.

alabaster (2011)

I wouldn't dare so much as touch
the same perfection you possess;
Knowing it would be as such
that I, so flawed, could but caress.

The angels must have stolen you
and claimed you for their very own;
Carved from sapphires, cobalt blue
and flawless alabaster stone.

And how could one so simply pure
ever contour anything less?
Your merest actions, so much more
than I could e'er hope to express.

codex (2011)

You wrote your words inside of me
Where nobody but you can see
Engraved along my ribcage and
my heart, in plain black ink

The language, sadly, I don't speak
Its mysteries I can't but seek
But if you'll read it back to me
I'll understand, I think

resurrection (2011)

and finally i can't fight anymore
my will has turned to dust,
bloody trails in the dirt where i've been clawing

scraped off the concrete, i survive
barely but inescapably
salvaged by an intangible grace

his wings are stitched fibers,
joy and purity and ecstasy
woven together with silver string

i've been touched by an angel
reminded of what consciousness can be
resurrected at last

a declaration of independence (2011)

talk is cheap, said the last one
i'm not ready, said the one before
you know how i feel about you,
i don't wanna let you down,
it's not a good time
but i love y-

i'll stop you there, i get it.
i've heard it all before.
don't make me any promises
and you won't have to keep any.
you can wake up tomorrow
a free man, no strings attached.
no bridges to burn.
just like the rest.

don't worry,
you won't break my heart.
i'll just reinforce it one more time
'til the walls are a mile high.
watertight.
safe.

vicarious (2011)

truths trapped by a silver tongue

lie fallen, stabbed, broken

hidden away, buried

their flesh melting around their bones

never to see the light of day

left to rot in innocent remorse

they've committed no crime

and yet, must pay their dues

penance for the sins of another

the conscience of a scolded youth

accepting their fate with fearful eyes

full of tears they'll yet repress

wanting nothing but to please

and, being thus unable,

resigning themselves

to silence.

celeste (2011)

If only you could see yourself
Through gilded eyes like mine
A transcendental creature, yet
So tangibly divine

A mystery in your own right
A half-remembered dream
I feel you all around me, yet
How far away you seem

I've caught you time and time again
But I can't keep you here
My cages cannot bind your wings
Each time, you disappear

Come stay with me, oh heavenkin
If God can do without
Fill my heart with harpsichords
And free me from my doubt

she (2011)

she is cold
cold in the skin, cold to the bone
broken and tired, cold and alone
cold in the goosebumps, cold by design
cold in the shivers that run down her spine
cold in the head, cold in the heart
nuts and bolts and moving parts
walls of stone and iron bars
empty rooms and faded scars
cold, cold, cold

this one's not about you either (2010)

Tell me why I miss the days
I spent inside your head
And dwell upon the nights I spent
With you in mine, instead

Tell me why you always said
"I love you" was a curse
Or why I didn't mind it
When I had to say it first

Tell me why I never thought
To fear your love, unspoken
I always felt invincible
My heart could not be broken

Tell me how you carried on
And left me here to die
Knowing that you broke my heart
And never saying why

tocsin (2011)

sweet resonance
vibrato tickling august passageways
secret spiderwebs, connective tissue
veins sprawled across a vast metropolis
even a whisper carries
breathing colors through the trees
lapping ripples through their leaves

twitching fibers, cold electricity
fire and ice, fire and ice

streets run red with broken dreams
bleeding freely at the seams
listen for the sound of screams
it's quiet now, or so it seems.

thinking of you (2010)

I woke up this morning still thinking of you
That doesn't surprise me, for it's nothing new
In fact it is something I quite often do
Just sit by myself as I think about you.

hold me (2010)

She clings to him in her sleep like a child, vulnerable and weak but protected in his arms. Her hand rests comfortably on his chest, right next to her face, where it belongs. She can feel the rise and fall of his breathing, and she is grateful for every ounce of oxygen that pumps through him as her heartbeat falls in time with his. Her eyes are closed, but she can see every detail of his flawed existence. His Roman nose, slightly crooked from the time he broke it in a fist fight back in the fourth grade; it never did heal quite right. His lips - she knew those lips better than her own - with the small freckle that marred the right edge of the upper. His hair, messy by her own hands, and lying every which way across his head, but still managing to look more presentable than her own. His arms, wrapped around her tight. They aren't particularly muscular, but they're much larger than her own and she feels safe in them. She can feel the heat of his body on hers, how it mingles with her own in an uncomfortable, sweaty sort of warmth that she wouldn't trade for all the sunny days in the world. She lifts her head just slightly to brush her lips against his chin, not able to help the smile that flits its way across her cheeks. She opens her eyes at last, unsatisfied now with the mere thought of him.

She shivers and rolls over.
It is cold, and she is alone.

peace (2011)

Suddenly I find myself
Grasping at straws again
With trembling hands, the Parkinson's
of a rapidly beating heart
ba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dum
Discordant and uncertain
Skipping beats like it owns the place
The nerve...

My whole body pounds in time
Somehow in tune to the cacophony
Chaos inside and bliss without
Or blissful chaos, at least
ba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dum
thudthud thudthud
These feelings skittering around
Fireflies and bedbugs with no real agenda
Humming dizziness in my ear

The gentle bzz-bzz-bzzing
Of a hope buried so far below
Barely heard above the noise
ba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dum
thudthud thudthud
bzz bzz bzz
They say that peace is not the absence of chaos
but utter calm in the midst of it.

collarbone kisses (2011)

your breath is hot against my skin
as we lie wrapped in silent sin -

tongue meets flesh and heartbeats stutter
minds go blank and insides flutter -

i've opened up,
i've let you in.

me in your boots (2011)

and i will kiss you wearing sneakers
those casual kisses in public that everyone notices
but not beyond a glance and perhaps a sigh
and for once it won't be me who's the jealous one
and i will kiss you wearing nothing but heels
and i will feel completely comfortable in my own skin for the first time
because your skin will be right there next to mine
making it feel different and new and so very sweaty
and one day i will kiss you wearing your boots
and you'll tell me to take them off but the way you say it
i'll know you don't really mean it so i'll keep them on and kiss you again
knowing that you like it, that you like this feeling
this me-in-your-boots feeling

savior (2011)

A holy man behind the wheel
A sinner in the back
He's crying for salvation from
his second heart attack

He always said he didn't need
a doctor or a pill
He never trusted medicine
He doesn't trust it still

His daughter fin'ly made the call
They got there just in time
A siren-laden savior to
redeem him from his crime

The paramedics set to work
to keep this man alive
The treatment wasn't easy
but he managed to survive

They asked him if he wished to live
He numbly nodded yes
Three surgeons hurried in and pulled
his heart out of his chest

There was no anesthesia
No morphine for the pain
They rinsed it off and put it back
Without a single stain

Shaking and exhausted
with stitches in his skin
He finally let go of pride
and let his Savior in

the spaces inbetween (2011)

I thought about those mysteries
That you can't help but keep
The patterns of your fingerprints
Your whispers while you sleep

The little voice inside your head
That tells you right from wrong
The memories that fill the words
Of all your favorite songs

The intricacies of your eyes
And all the things they've seen
Your calloused hands, your fingers
And the spaces inbetween

The scars you hide, the lies you've told
The words you never spoke
The heartache that you suffered through
And all the hearts you broke

The yesterdays you've left behind
The nows that became thens
The things you thought you'd never lose
The enemies, the friends

I numbered these enigmas, but
I saw right from the start
More simply could I count the stars
Than secrets of your heart

justice (2011)

She's got dreams but they're all dead
Shot to pieces in her head
"They deserved to die," she said
And she made sure they bled

Righteous blood on guilty hands
I don't think she understands
She should've died, instead

dante's inferno (2011)

Virgil, Virgil, rescue me
Read, perhaps, some poetry
Anything to make these horrid
creatures let me be

Virgil, banished am I
Lost in darkness, I rely
on you, please lead me far away
from where I'll surely die

I must ask that you not stray
Florence is the other way
Virgil, take me back at once
Turn around, I say!

Where, then, have you taken me?
Virgil, please, I cannot see
I'll admit that I'm afraid
as you must surely be

Do you see what's carved up there?
"Abandon all hope", this I swear
Virgil, if I'm not mistaken
those words mean 'beware'

Who are these unfortunates
sealed within the fiery gates?
Must I join them, Virgil, or
am I to test the fates?

Virgil, see where Charon stands?
Surely you and he are friends
He doesn't want me crossing here
so here, my journey ends

Now I really must protest
I am not at all impressed
Virgil, you and you alone
caused him to acquiesce

Please, dear Virgil, I feel weak
I'm shaking and it's hard to speak
What is happening to me?
It's growing dark and then--

I shriek! The storm grows louder still
I've woken on a lonely hill
Virgil! Take me back at once
I've taken in my fill

But Virgil would not let me leave
And I admit, I was naive
I knew nothing then of pain that
I could not conceive

What happened next, I cannot tell
Such horrors in that pit doth dwell
But I can say, in every sense
that I have been to Hell.

regrets (2011)

Now it seems I've kissed you,
I've held you and I've missed you
I fell in love and this, too
was my mistake, I know.

inspiration (2010)

I think
As it turns out
Everybody's just looking for inspiration

Sometimes it comes through hate
Often it is found in love
And it is scarce
In our everyday lives

So we try to invent it
Through books and machines
But you can't fake it, you have to feel it
Or it's not real

We try creating it
With perhaps someone else's words
But you can't steal it, you have to become it
Or it's not real

But it seems to me that once we find inspiration
We can do nothing but release it
In religion or in passion or in art
But it never really leaves us, does it?

It is real
You feel it
And it becomes you.