shame (2011)

you are my crux
my curse, my cross
the infection that has taken root
and swelled inside my mind's eye

i am plagued
eternally plagued

it is the very most i can do
to treat the symptoms
to dull the pain
to close the wound

it will open again
it will bleed again
and bleed and bleed and bleed
until i can staunch it
stitch it closed
conceal it

i hide from myself
from my memories
until they forget about me
spirits, ever present
roaming amongst the cobwebs
of the most forsaken catacombs
of the brain

i can hide,
but i've nowhere to run.

feckless rhyme (2011)

I love how close I am to you
even when we're apart
The way that I can hold your hand
and also hold your heart

And maybe I don't have the words
to tell you how I feel
But maybe it's the silent things
that tell you that it's real

A touch, a kiss, a fevered blush
the way our lips align
The steady beating of our hearts
and your breath over mine

she is light (2011)

She is light.
She shines without effort, inherently brilliant.
She is a warm glow in a cold world.
She does not go unnoticed.

She is beautiful.
She exudes excellence from every pore -
excellence in design, an innate perfection.
Nothing is accidental,
and yet, her whole being seems that way.

She is lovely.
She smiles and those around her are affected.
She moves with an ease and grace that ripple the surface
just enough to make a difference.
Everything about her is right, and good, and perfect.

She is clothed in magnificence and exudes awe.
She laughs with the sun and walks side-by-side with the moon.
The stars are her friends, the sky her canvas.
And so, she paints.

prayin' knees (2011)

I did something I never do
Three months ago, today
I got down on my battered knees
and bowed my head to pray

God, I said, I know this prayer's
a little overdue
But I'm all out of options
so I've gotta turn to you

I told Him I was struggling
I told Him I had failed
I told Him I was sorry, and
I shakily exhaled

And when my voice abandoned me
and tears began to fall
I knelt there silently, not saying
anything at all

I wasn't sure if He had heard
or if He'd even care
But I thought it was worth a shot,
my quiet little prayer

Now here I am, just look at me
I know my God is great
He gave me what I needed most
and set my pathway straight

It's not too late for anyone,
there's nothing He can't do
After all, I too was lost
until He gave me you

note to self (2011)

Breathe.
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
so take it one day at a time.
Nothing is irreparable. Nothing is forever.
Remember that mistakes must be made before progress,
and that failure is nothing but a challenge to succeed.

Never be afraid to feel better.
Remember that sometimes crying is okay,
and that it's good to be alone every once in a while.
Know that there are few problems in life that can't be mitigated with chocolate,
or a hot bath, or a scented candle, or a tight hug.
Don't hesitate to seek those things out.

Trust yourself,
love yourself,
and be at peace.

radium in rain clouds (2011)

I think I'd like to memorize
the paint-by-number of your eyes.
What hexadecimal color codes
comprise their stormy iris skies?

At first I thought to call them blue
but that, I knew, would never do.
For blue is rather commonplace;
no, blue could not describe their hue.

And green, like blue, would not suffice -
it's much too simple, too concise.
The words I know are failing me;
I need a term much more precise.

I very nearly deemed them gray,
for often times they look that way.
But gray is much too dull for you,
and I might even say, cliche.

But, rather, it's occurred to me
these colors that I swear I see
can't be described in just one word
nor two, nor four, nor twenty-three.

They're an aurora, northern lights
they're moonlit snow on winter nights
they're radium in rain clouds, and
they're technicolor bits and bytes.

I wonder what they'd think of me,
those eyes of yours, that pupil'd sea.
I'd lose myself in them, I think,
if in them I should ever be.

to bleed (2011)

Mix your blood into the ink

Stay you ever in the pages

Trapped inside their clever cages

Keep it up until you think

Mix your blood into the paint

Your blank canvas, soon to be

Murder in the first degree

Keep it up until you faint

Mix your blood into the sky

In between the moon and stars

All just burning silver scars

Keep it up until you die

downward spiral (2011)

You're falling.
You can't see the darkness below you,
but you know it's there.
You can feel its shadowy presence -
or lack thereof -
lurking underneath you,
a sea of nothingness.
Black.
Endless.
Consuming.

You shudder.
The gentle caress of the air beneath you,
giving way to your abrupt descent,
is warm and disconcerting.
Like death's cool hand on your shoulder,
inviting you in,
the spider to the fly.
Friendly.
Familiar.
Intimate.

Your eyes close.
The light you've fallen from has become too much.
It's blinding, overpowering,
and you can stand it no longer.
You tell yourself you're better off this way.
Independent.
Autonomous.
Alone.

You freeze.
There's a moment where you think,
"I'm going to die."
Your heart drops,
and you will it to keep beating.
You're not frightened,
only disappointed.
Unfulfilled.
Dissatisfied.
Empty.

You can't remember how you got here,
but it's a long way down.
You've got time.
Think.

a note (2011)

It has come to my attention

and I think I ought to mention

that your lips

and my lips

come together oh-so nicely

fit together quite precisely

in a beautiful eclipse

of mutual pretension.

And, well, it’s my understanding

though at times it seems demanding

that your heart

and my heart

beat together unimpeded

hold together, now completed

never all the way apart,

my beautiful extension.

 

trench warfare (2011)

i find myself utterly incapable of
following through on anything,
accomplishing anything,
doing anything right.
most excellent at
letting others down,
not meeting expectations,
not rising to the occasion.
unreliable.
forgetful.
lazy.

never good enough, or smart enough,
pretty enough, or skinny enough,
driven enough, or talented enough.
useless and more useless.
worthless and aware of it.
a burden -
unwanted, unnecessary.
insufficient.

self-deprecating.
self-defeating.
constantly at war
and everyone's feeding the fire,
aiding the enemy,
dragging me backwards.

these trenches are deep,
and i know them well.